"SomewherE OuT TherE"

Sometimes, I really wish that I had one of these:

I wish I could see my future, even if I could only see a glimpse of it. I wish I could see that certain milestones in my life had been reached; that things I desire to happen would be a part of its projection. If I could see myself with a family in the future, that would mean everything to me. To know that I would have someone to share this journey of life with would literally mean the world to me.

At this point in my life, my friends and family (both LDS and non-LDS) are doing one of three things:

1. Tying the knot

2. Getting Pregnant

or

3. Welcoming a Baby to the World

Meanwhile, I feel like I'm here...

(It's a bit of a stretch, but I think you get the point).

...Here

...And here

I have found myself longing for the past I once knew; feeling as if life will never be quite like that past. I have no idea what is in store for me in the future. And I most definitely feel stuck... lost... unsure of what to do in the present to make my future the kind of future I'd like it to be. I feel as if I'm in a dream- this isn't real. This is not the life I signed up for, nor is it what I had planned it to be. I was supposed to get married, have a family, work a successful job. I was supposed to do this... that... and the other... But it hasn't happened...

I keep hoping, wishing, and longing for my dreams to become my reality. My heart yearns for a different life- a life filled with meaning. 

At this point, I am so happy to be living with my siblings, Zach and Jenni. I love them and have the comfort of being with them on a daily basis. Yet, my time with them is fleeting. I know that Jenni will be going to Physician's Assistant (PA) School in May (most likely) and Zach may go on a mission in the summer or fall. When these said things happen, I'll be in this situation:

Wandering aimlessly through this life's journey, alone

To think of living a life completely on my own is a scary thought. I never imagined it would happen to me, but nevertheless, it is approaching, and quickly at that. It is in this light that my biggest fear is becoming a reality. I always feared I would spend my life alone. Each time I watch one of my favorite movies, "While You Were Sleeping," I worry I will be just like Lucy, minus the happy ending.

I'd like to think that somewhere out there in this vast universe, there is a special man waiting for me; waiting to start his life with me. I'd like to think I'd be just what he is looking for; the perfect match for him. It's this kind of driving thought that gives me that little push to keep moving forward; to keep going even when I feel I cannot take another step. I would hope that my Heavenly Father, in His infinite wisdom, knows me well enough to know that I need one of His precious sons to share life with. 

Somewhere in the midst of college and work life, I lost myself. I lost my hope and optimism for love...  my excitement and zest for life... my desire to make music... my desire to go out and be social... my drive to develop/enrich my talents... my desire to stay in the best shape possible. In essence, I lost my identity. I believe, in part, this stems from the fact that I have not found him yet. It's as if I haven't been enjoying my life fully to date because I have always been waiting for that "something better" to come around. Life will be so much better when I'm married. I know it's foolish to think this way, for doing so leads to never treasuring the joys of the present.

I'm not sure about teaching anymore and whether or not it is a profession I can picture myself doing until I retire. I love children and will always have an infinite love for them, yet the world of education is going in a direction I'm not sure I'd like to follow after. Part of my loss in my identity, a big portion actually, is due to teaching. My life is consumed with teaching and all of the responsibilities it entails. I am eating, breathing, and sleeping education. It is practically all I think about... all I stress about... all I have time to focus on. It is consuming my life. I have felt so inadequate in this job- never feeling like I'm measuring up to the zillion things I need to measure up to or the zillion things I need to accomplish. To think of leaving the teaching profession is a daunting thought. This was what I wanted and planned to do since Middle School! How can I leave it now? What would I do if I left this profession? Would I be truly happy anywhere else?

This adult thing kind of stinks.

I know we're admonished to live in the present and not long for the past, yet I can't help but wish I could go back to the simplicity I once knew; back to the happiness that once filled my soul.

I know that it's impossible to go back. Where are Marty and Doc when you need them most? 

Til' the day that my life changes; til' the day arrives when my soul is filled with joy in the House of the Lord as I marry my prince and eternal companion- until that day arrives, I will keep fighting and will let my hope and optimism burn bright. 

"Someday My Prince Will Come" by Barbara Streisand

Somewhere out there, you are waiting for me and that thought will be the driving force that propels me to keep moving forward.

"Somewhere Out There" by Linda Ronstadt & James Ingram