"Ev'vrY TimE We SaY GoodbyE"

No, I'm not referencing the movie, Parent Trap. I think of that movie every time I hear this song, yet I'm using it today to describe just how much I hate goodbyes. No matter if I am the person leaving or the one bidding farewell to the loved one who's leaving- I always end up feeling so bummed afterwards.

Something happens to me around the time that I or someone I love is going to be leaving- it's as if my heart knows what awaits it and I can't help but feel the sadness well up inside it. I think, way TOO much, about how much I am going to miss the person and cause myself to not be able to fully enjoy the last few moments I have with them prior to their departure.

My mom and Emi spent the past two and a half weeks here in Utah and got to see the newest addition to the Merris family in the process. I feel like it was just the other day that I was picking them up from the airport and then POW, I was taking them back to the airport this afternoon. :(

It's a funny thing- no matter how old I get, whenever I am around my parents or siblings, I feel like a little kid again. I feel more protected and secure because when I'm with them, I feel like I'm back to life at home; I'm back to depending on them more and feeling like things make sense again. This is not to say that when I am living away from them, things don't make sense. I simply mean that as a kid, life is simpler. We don't sweat the small stuff or stress about how we're going to accomplish everything we need to in time to meet a deadline. We don't worry about things 24/7 and we aren't as perceptible to changes that occur in our lives. Children take time to: play outside, get dirty, imagine, love, play hard, etc. and they do all of these things with passion and enthusiasm.

In some ways, I wish that I would have anticipated more fully, what life would be like once I went to college. I never realized how exciting it would be, how fast it would go, or how nervous it would make me. I use the term, "nervous" because college is over for me now. It passed in the blink of an eye. I am now, an "adult." I'm a grown-up now (cue the Pamper's diaper commercial- "I'm a big kid now"). I have important decisions to make, bills to pay, loans to pay back, etc. It's the real deal for me now. I'm not that teenage girl anymore, who used to rely on her parents for a lot of support. I am shaping my destiny and charting my course in this thing called "life." I may not always be certain of where I will end up or how many times I will fail and succeed, but what I am certain of is the imperative need I have to find happiness and enjoyment out of this journey. Even in moments of stress and fear of the unknown, I know that it will be in those moments in particular, where I will do everything in my power to make my journey a memorable one.

I am so lucky to have the life I do right now. I have a family who loves me. I have a degree in the career, which will surely help me to stay in touch with the "kid" in me. I have a Heavenly Father, who is watching out for me and helping my leg to heal. He is teaching me lessons in His infinite wisdom, which lessons are shaping and molding me into what I need to become. Oh, how I await with earnestness, the day I will be able to bring a life into the world to be raised, taught, and loved by me and my husband. I cannot wait to have a family and feel of the joy that such an event brings into a person's life.

Speaking of family- I am so grateful to have the opportunity to live with my siblings here in Utah. I live in a house with: Chris, Josh, Ani, my nephew Johnny, Jenni, and Zach and truly, thank my Heavenly Father to be able to have this "home away from home." We are from Pennsylvania and though this state is far away, we have a home here in Utah, in which we can be around each other and ultimately support one another- building each other up when we need it the most. I sometimes wonder how I got so lucky. What did I do to deserve a life like this? Surely, the Lord is blessing me even if feel I am undeserving. This time I have had with my family has meant so much to me. We are "living the dream" in a literal sense, for it was years ago, when we were little children, that we talked about how cool it would be to live together in a house near BYU. That dream has become a joyful reality. I love my siblings so much. I thank the Lord for sending me to the family I am in. Each one of them teaches me lessons on a daily basis. They make me want to be a better person. Similar to how I don't fully enjoy the time I have with someone a day or two before they leave (because I know they're leaving), I feel sadness at the thought of my family going separate ways in the years to come in the near future. Chris will probably be moving to Texas at the conclusion of this upcoming year. Josh and his family will most likely be preparing to go to medical school in another state. Jenni will graduate from college and take the MCAT or go to Physician's Assistant (PA) school. Zach will go on a mission. And I... well, I will most likely be in Utah. I will probably stick around here to teach since I am certified to teach in this state. I talked about the need I have to "find joy in the journey" earlier in this post because I always look to the future and struggle at times, to enjoy the present because of my knowledge of what lies ahead. I recognize that I need to stop stressing over something that hasn't even happened yet. I need to focus on the now and make the most of the time that I have now. When I look back at some of my time in college, I realize that I didn't enjoy things as much as I should have. I didn't recognize the great blessings that surrounded me because I was too stressed or worried about school work, projects, and my future. I'm sure that I failed to see the "big picture" at times and that I missed the simple messages God was trying to send to me each day simply because I was too consumed with "stuff." I am determined to try to find that "inner child" in me once again so that I will no longer sweat the small "stuff" and instead, seize every special, memorable moment that comes my way. This year is going to be a big year. So many things will be happening and changing and I think that if I have learned anything about life since going to and graduating from college, it is that change happens. Life happens. It will take you for a ride, spin you around, and even knock you down, but it is meant to be "lived." It is not meant to be wasted or taken for granted so why not sit back and enjoy the ride?

There is a song that is so special to me and has been since I was a little girl. My dad made a video for my mom's family, which had video clips and footage of her family growing up over the years included in it. He used this song in the background of it. Whenever I hear it, a smile spreads across my face and quite honestly, I choke back the tears that always want to pour out when I listen to it. This song has very meaningful lyrics and sums up in words, far more eloquent than I could ever write, what my family means to me. To say that I love them does not do justice to convey my feelings. It is called, "Through the Years" by Kenny Rogers.